Ah, paradoxes—don’t you just love them? (Okay, not really.) They’re annoying, frustrating, and just when you think you’ve figured them out, they laugh at you and tangle your brain again. But here’s the thing: feeling resistance to a paradox is actually a sign. That twisty, angsty, “I hate this!” feeling? It’s pointing you toward something important.
For late-diagnosed AuDHD women, paradoxes can feel especially personal. They tug on those internalized voices we’ve lived with for years: Do more! Do less! Be everything! Don’t be too much! It’s exhausting. But leaning into the tension can offer clarity—and, dare I say it, freedom.
Let’s explore one of life’s annoying paradoxes together, step by step.
A Curious Mind: Pull It Apart
When you feel stuck in the “I don’t want to, but I do want to” loop, pause and ask: Which part is mine?
- That “don’t” voice might come from years of learned conditioning—rules, judgments, or fears.
- The “want” voice is likely your authentic desire, your creativity, your spark.
Separating the two can help you see what’s really yours and what’s someone else’s baggage. Write it down if you can. Even if it’s messy, naming the voices helps untangle them.
A Connected Heart: Hold Both Sides Gently
Paradox invites you to honor both your limits and your desires. You don’t have to resolve them immediately; just notice and hold space for both. Try placing one hand on your chest and one on your belly. Breathe deeply.
Say to yourself:
I feel the push and pull. I honor both sides. My desire matters. My need for safety matters too.
This simple acknowledgment is often enough to soften the resistance and invite clarity.
A Creative Body: Move Through It
Paradoxes live in your head, but your body can help release them. Stand with your feet firmly on the ground. Imagine one foot is your desire, the other is your resistance. Gently shift your weight from side to side, feeling both forces without judgment.
Then, start swaying, letting the movement flow through your whole body. You might even find yourself laughing at how silly (and freeing) this feels. It’s a reminder that movement creates space for both-and, not either-or.
A Moment to Notice
When you catch yourself spiraling in paradox (hello, decision fatigue or overthinking!), take a moment to notice the tension. Instead of trying to “fix” it, get curious. Can you give your desire just a little air to breathe? Can you give your limits just a little compassion?
Encouragement for the Tenderhearted
Dear sensitive soul, it’s okay to feel overwhelmed by these contradictions. Paradoxes ask a lot from us—they stretch our patience, our understanding, and our willingness to sit with the uncomfortable. But you are strong in your softness. You are wise in your curiosity.
Let the paradox be a dance, not a battle. You don’t have to solve it all today. Just take the next step, no matter how small. You’re learning to trust yourself—and that’s the most beautiful, awkward, courageous paradox of all.
You’ve got this. 💛
Clarity on What you really need now
FREE 20 min journalling/free writing audio guide
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Neurodivergent women are so curious and want to know all the things!
Conditioned that curiosity killed the cat. Don’t be too much, stay in your lane. Stay safe. And stay busy and productive and keep others happy, ignoring what you want.
Burned by having our limits overruled in both directions. Stuck in the middle, with very little room to move.
Undermines our ability to self regulate by staying connected to both our desires and enoughness.
Suggest getting gently curious about resistance
I trust your curiosity as well as your self protection limits.
This week has been kinda fire (as the Gen Z’s in the house might say)
I am now planning not one but two retreats (one very local, one very international) with two of my amazing friends and colleagues – and I’m super excited about that because those are real things I feel able to talk about with many people in my life, to engage with their input and experience.
This also reminded me how far I have come because for the longest time (like my whole life almost until now) I have been very focused on how I look, how I present, because I thought that I needed to be seen to be heard. And particularly that I needed to be seen as highly competent, prepared and organised in order to be taken seriously.
Eventually, this led to me feeling like there was very little in my life that I was able to speak about, or even many places to show up because I was none of the above. As a result, I became caught up in other people’s lives (especially my partner and children), and in helping them become what I was not, could not be.
In more recent times, as I have learned to watch and listen to a diversity of stories and voices (thank you to my many teachers and an intentionally curated social media feed) I have come to appreciate that highly polished is only one way to show up, and not the most engaging way.
So I have been practising sometimes showing up messy and ugly – in safe spaces! – and allowing others to do the same.
I have discovered that there are judgement free people and places, and it’s such a relief to find them. And that I can be one of them, when I’m sufficiently resourced – with time, nourishment and rest.
It’s a whole other skillset to tune into the safety of self and others and to work inward or outward from there.
So now I’m excited because I’m looking forward to showing up with the bare bones of an idea and building it out with my friends, and in playful consultation with the many other women in my world.
I don’t need to present the whole picture, done and dusted, for serious judgement, acceptance or rejection.
And of course it turns out that I am in fact competent, prepared and organised in many ways, and that the people around me will often be very happy to fill in the gaps when I ask – as long as they are also sufficiently resourced.
And this is how together we can create and build the change we want to see in the world.
I was wondering how to come at the paradox theme, when in a random family discord chat, this bomb dropped:
“once you forgot about how you appear to others, only then can you reveal your true self”
It’s the Catch-22 – a dilemma or difficult circumstance from which there is no escape because of mutually conflicting or dependent conditions.
Example catch-22 situation – you can’t show up without appearing somehow, but you can’t reveal your true self without showing up
The solution is to Go ahead anyway. Start with one moment. Start with you. Show up for yourself, as much as you are wiling and able, with time and attention, and eventually, the rule breaks because it depends on duality. Paradox depends on duality to exist, and resolves through non-duality.
These kind of ideas are not so easy to explain with logic, because they defy logic.
But they can be directly comprehended through experience.
Inside my free 20 minute audio “Recalibrate your life for joy”, you’ll be guided to find and hold two apparently conflicting ideas, and then articulate the one small step you can take to wriggle free of the dilemma.
And If you love that, now is a great time to look at “Embodying Hope”, my 1:1 embodiment coaching program
Black Rainbow special on now with BOTH 50% discount AND extra time and attention.
That might subvert two limitations you have about joining to get the support and encouragement you need to create the change you long to see.
Book a call to see if Embodying Hope is a fit for you
Anchored stream of consciousness poem
(OOREI form “made up” by slam poet Beau Sia)
PARADOX
Schmaradox
Feeling resistance
Don’t want to think about
Brain is melting
Angry twisting turning
Curling away anything but this
Too hard i don’t want to deal with it
I don’t want to deal with it
Why me. I hate this shit
And yet it has my name on it
Paradox
Welcome to the dilemma
It’s mine and i dont want it
A riddle wrapped in an enigma
And its not even fun it’s a serious problem
Feeling better just for acknowledging my resistance
Don wanna don wanna don wanna
Breathe. It’s there in the words
Dont. want to. Dont. want to. Dont. want to
Desire meets distraction / destruction
What is forbidden, internally, internalised
Paradox
Ok, so if i can take it apart like that
Straight away it’s not so bad, not so impossible
Dont – whose voice is that?
That’s an external voice that says don’t go there
Wanna – that’s me, that’s my desire.
I want it. I want. I want i want.
They meet in paradox
Learned conditioning faces down desire
Ok. now i can breathe
This i can handle. Two parts
Paradox
Two sources. Immovable object
Irresistible force. Which is which
Don’t get distracted by the details
And details matter.
Which voice to trust, which to doubt?
Desire or limit.
Open to both, desire and limit
They each have a lesson for me
Is about power and value
Which voice matters?
Paradox
Both have a lesson.
I recognise my desires as my own
I choose to hold my desires with care and respect
To listen to their request.
I choose to give my desires time and space
To unravel, unfold, reveal their wisdom
My desire is certainly mine.
Irrepressible. Spawning in again and again.
Irresistible force. Life itself. Finding a way
Feel my desire. Acknowledge it.
Paradox
Desire in its own space
Denial in its own space
Now that i have the energy of my desire
Now i can face the denial
Do not. Do not what?
Give the desire air to breathe?
Give the desire air to breathe
Already the denial weakens
Give the desire space to move
Denial shrinks away
Paradox
Desire, boxed in denial
Separate entities, proximate.
Oh, is that all you need?
Yes, this much i can do, willingly
Hold the parts together
The constrction and the freedom
One part in each hand.
Your heart beats between them
Breathe and choose one or the other for now
There are no right answers.
Paradox
Sometimes discretion the better part of valour
Sometimes the risk is worth it
You don’t have to share everything
With everyone to be transparent
What are you hiding?
By talking so much
What are you retaining
By disrupting so much
Inbreath is unsustainable alone
Outbreath contains it
Paradox
Necessary but not sufficient
I hate that
Moving on. This work is done
There is more to do
Step by step
This work was essential first
The end is the beginning
The paradox we hate
I don’t want to go there
I’m comfortable here.
ChatGPT prompt:
Transform the anchored stream of consciousness poem above into a relatable everyday embodiment encouragement blog post/email for late diagnosed AuDHD women. Use my friendly, slightly awkward tone of voice. Open with a comment about how annoying paradoxes are, but how that feeling points to the next step. Include one suggestion for curious mind, one for connected heart and one for creative body. Outline one moment to notice. Close with encouragement for sensitive readers