Mutual Aid for Overgiving Helpers: A Gentle Reminder for Late-Diagnosed AuDHD Women
Mutual aid is one of those ideas that feels like a warm blanket: people supporting each other, each giving what they can and receiving what they need. At its core, mutual aid is horizontal—it’s about equality, not hierarchy. It’s not about one person always giving or another always receiving; it’s about sharing resources, care, and energy in a way that uplifts everyone involved.
For neurodivergent folks like us, though, this can get tricky. Many late-diagnosed AuDHD women have spent years earning friendships by being *as helpful as possible*. We’re the problem-solvers, the shoulder to cry on, the ones who anticipate everyone’s needs. But sometimes, this generous impulse gets taken advantage of. Opportunists turn our kindness into free labor, leaving us drained and bewildered.
Here’s the thing: mutual aid, at its heart, isn’t about overgiving. It’s about balance. It’s about listening—both to others and to yourself. Let’s explore how to approach mutual aid in a way that feels nourishing rather than exhausting, starting with small, embodied steps.
Curious Mind: Ask, “What Do I Actually Need?”
We’re wired to focus on solving problems for others, but mutual aid invites us to look inward, too. The next time you’re tempted to jump in and help, pause for a moment. Ask yourself: *What do I actually need right now?* Maybe it’s rest, maybe it’s connection, or maybe it’s permission to say no. Noticing your needs is the first step in creating a balanced give-and-take.
Connected Heart: Notice When Someone Offers Care
Receiving help can feel vulnerable—it might even make you squirm a little. But mutual aid is a two-way street, and letting others help you is part of the deal. Start paying attention to small moments of care: when someone holds the door, listens to you vent, or offers a kind word. Notice how it feels to let that care in. It might feel tender or awkward, but it’s a reminder that you don’t have to do it all alone.
Creative Body: Tune Into How Helping Feels
Our bodies are wise, even when our minds are overloaded. When you’re in the act of helping someone, take a moment to notice how it feels physically. Is your breathing shallow or deep? Are your shoulders tense or relaxed? Do you feel energized or drained? Your body often knows what your limits are before your brain catches up. Trust its cues.
Moment to Notice: The Energy Exchange
Throughout your day, pause and notice the energy in your interactions. When you’re giving, ask: *Am I pouring from an empty cup, or does this feel good to give?* When you’re receiving, notice: *Am I letting this help in, or am I brushing it off?* Mutual aid works best when energy flows both ways, and noticing these moments can help you find your rhythm.
Gentle Encouragement for Sensitive Souls
Dear one, if all of this feels overwhelming, that’s okay. Start small. You don’t have to fix every relationship or balance every interaction overnight. Simply noticing—your needs, your energy, the care around you—is a powerful step.
You are not too much for needing rest. You are not selfish for setting boundaries. You are a kind, giving soul, and you deserve to be supported just as much as you support others. Mutual aid is a reminder that we’re all in this together—and you, exactly as you are, belong in the circle.
Now you know that helping is optional, and it’s ok to receive as well, I have both an offer and a request.
I’ve created a Start Here resource for neurodivergent women and sensitive souls like you, that I believe will bring clarity and calm purpose, even and especially when you’re feeling drained and unsettled.
Would you like to try it?
AND I’d be very grateful if you are willing to try this resource and give me feedback, because although just thinking about it brings me joy, I don’t know how helpful it is for other neurodivergent (especially AuDHD) women.
Would you be willing to review one resource?
Can you help – yourself, me and other women like us?
You’ll help me understand the impact of this free resource I offer, so I can share it with more confidence.
Clarity on What you really need now
It’s a 20 min journalling/free writing audio guide, to disrupt patterns of overwhelm and overgiving, and settle your mind with calm purpose.
(There is a temporary feedback form link attached)
Thank you in advance for your time and support for my work.
Blog continues below
+ affirmation for helpful neurodivergent women
+ my reflections and resistance to mutual aid
+ anchored stream of consciousness poem
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Many neurodivergent women are have deep strengths they long to share and use to make a positive difference in the world.
And they are also deeply conditioned by cultural ableism and misogyny to try really hard and be super helpful so they can belong and be valued.
Which Undermines our ability to discern where our gifts will be appreciated, leading to chronic overgiving, burnout and resentment.
I Suggest pausing to notice how it feels to give, and consider doing less where your brilliance and generosity are not being warmly appreciated and acknowledged – and also ask for more meaningful appreciation and acknowledgement.
It’s not always easy or immediately obvious where to begin with doing less, but noticing how you feel when you are sharing or helping will give you the information you need surprisingly quickly.
You have amazing strengths and gifts to offer that deserve real appreciation. Take the time to notice what you really need to stay in integrity when you are planning to give. And one step at a time. Build capacity steadily.
Lots of women I know are tired, and some of us are deciding to take a break even though there is still work to be done. It feels like the energy may be changing. I enjoyed a lovely long lunch, full of love and laughter, with a good friend yesterday. Highly recommended.
In my embodied earth calendar, this is the season of slowing down approaching solstice, following the period of shift and change after equinox.
I’ve been asking for some feedback for my published work, because I’d like to get clear on what is landing for women like you, so I can do less of what is excess to requirements. It turns out receiving feedback is unexpectedly scary for me. I believe my work is more than good enough in the right hands, but I’m also afraid of it being misunderstood and unappreciated by those who don’t get it.
I am not looking for a heap of criticism of my work. I understand that it can always be improved, but because I am low capacity at the moment, know I need encouragement as well as invitations to growth.
So I ask for “sandwich” comments:
two pieces of positive feedback wrapped around one slice of constructive criticism.
I also noticed that even with all these caveats, I still find it very difficult to listen to reviews.
I realised i needed to sit with the resistance and find out what what is going on there.
The uncomfortable association that came through is that criticism means more work (even though I’m tired) because I need to address all flagged imperfections. Oof. No wonder i don’t want to hear about it. That sounds like a belief i can do without.
With a little more reflection, I became aware that I am super sensitive to any feedback, positive or negative, because for way too long i have been manipulated into overriding my true capacity, boundaries and instincts by lovebombing and backhanded compliments.
And I am especially vulnerable to that manipulation because as an AuDHD neurodivergent woman, I have been deeply subconsciously culturally conditioned by ableism and misogyny to believe that I am not good enough, and my work is never good enough.
That is grim to acknowledge.
Because I want to believe there are generous folk out there who are able to offer small kindnesses and compliments without expectation of my time and attention in return.
And I’ve also learned that there are many people whose apparent kindness is merely the thin end of the wedge in protecting their own interests.
I want to be clear that this is a deeply entrenched systemic issue. There are specific individual perpetrators. And at the same time, we have all made mistakes. So many of us are stretched, tired, scrambling, uncertain what the future holds. Anyone can fall into the trap of squeezing temporary ease out of someone else’s vulnerability. It’s a problem when that becomes a habit.
What I know for sure is that I want your interactions with me to be energising for both of us, not overwhelming or dispiriting.
I do NOT want to perpetuate methods of coercive control in my business marketing, leaving you or me feeling drained and inadequate. I want you to be free to sample my offers, without feeling compelled to do more if it does not suit you – and also able to readily access more when it does hit the spot.
Which is where mutual aid comes into the picture.
In my construction of the concept, mutual aid implies an exchange of value where both parties come out ahead of where they started. Making something out of nearly nothing.
“Mutual aid participants work together to figure out strategies and resources to meet each other’s needs,… while organizing themselves against the system that created the shortage in the first place.”
“It often arises due to neglect of government provision for certain classes of people.
Mutual aid, in simpler words, is cooperation for the common good.
Mutual aid is a horizontal mode of organisation”
Mutual aid then is a larger collective practice, which it also comes down to the quality of individual interactions.
We get free together. One respectful conversation, one transparent interaction at a time.
I request your help >
I Invite you to try
Recalibrating your life for joy
which I believe may support you with disrupting patterns of overwhelm and overgiving.
then notice what you want to keep close, only for your secret heart’s delight
(in other words, you don’t have to share everything)
and finally, as you’re willing, share the specific pieces of feedback that will help me
Go ahead when you’re ready
Blog continues below:
anchored stream of consciousness poem
(OOREI form “made up” by slam poet Beau Sia)
– Mutual Aid –
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Join my Embodying Hope 1:1 embodiment coaching program, starting Feb 2025
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MUTUAL AID
Dont go nuts
It’s enough to listen quietly
Helping the helper
Helpers helping helpers
Skilled help
Listens for what is needed
This thing is what i need
This thing i can do
The help is in the asking
The help is in the doing
Mutual aid
Help in holding a hand
Help in being held
How to help a helper
Listen to what they need
Helpers help helpers
Helping to give
Helping to receive
Helping to believe
Redistribution of wealth
Concentration gradient
Mutual aid
Helpers know the help they need
Are they giving it?
Can;t give your way to receiving
The skills are different
The energy of giving flows outward
The energy of receiving flows inward
An inbreath cannot do the work of an outbreath
Breath needs them both
Perspective shift shows difference
Shows complementarity
Mutual aid
Is messed up when taking
Is constrained by serving
Is more complex to perceive
When the ask is to show me another way
Or maybe not
Maybe it’s about unravelling
Will you show me another way
To be with myself
By being with me
In a way that feels good to you
Mutual aid
Is not about drama and performance
Gets the job done with grace
Gives the gift of space for one
The gift of fullness for another
Take this cup away from me
Sometimes witnessing pain is all
No you must suffer
It’s the only way to learn
Suffer so that others
Suffer less
Mutual aid
My mind is wandering
What help do i need now
What fullness
What spaciousness
What grounding
What uplifting
Allow the energy to flow
Cannot be created or destroyed
Energy is endlessly transformed
Energy flowing with awareness
Mutual aid
Share your opinion with me
Share your experience
Share my ignorance with you
Share my curiosity
I know about my experience
I do not know about yours
I offer my bottled experience
In exchange for your reflection
It’s like a clapping game
Hand meets hand
Mutual aid
We’re always in it
Helping each other home
Not always easy to acknowledge
That we need others always
In whatever form relationships take
The full spectrum is present
It takes two of us
You’re not alone
Your independence
Is built on connections
Mutual aid
When i’m tired
Your energy supports me
It’s a pleasure to help
Oxytocin the helper’s high
It’s there both ways
Connection is mutual
Loving is one thing
Being loved is another
Shit together, falling apart
everywhere in between
Mutual aid
Its a dance
Its the dance
Concentration gradients
Drive life the universe and everything
Market forces
Free will
What is it you really want
Dare to dream it, even to name it
The void of your desire
Calls something in.
One step towards the universe
ChatGPT prompt:
Transform the anchored stream of consciousness poem above into a relatable everyday embodiment encouragement blog post/email for late diagnosed AuDHD women. Use my friendly, slightly awkward tone of voice. Open with a simple statement about mutual aid, and how essential it is for neurodivergent folks who tend “to win people’s friendship by being as helpful as they can, but then getting manipulated and misled by opportunists who use you for your free labour” Include one suggestion for curious mind, one for connected heart and one for creative body. Outline one moment to notice. Close with encouragement for sensitive readers
Mutual aid is horizontal < add this into the intro
Output: Mutual Aid for Overgiving Helpers: A Gentle Reminder for Late-Diagnosed AuDHD Women
I Invite you to try
Recalibrating your life for joy
which I believe may support you with disrupting patterns of overwhelm and overgiving.
then notice what you want to keep close, only for your secret heart’s delight
(in other words, you don’t have to share everything)
and finally, as you’re willing, consider helping me help other women like us >
share the specific pieces of feedback I need
Go ahead when you’re ready
Black Rainbow bundle: Black Friday special limited offer.
Gentle, deep support for women who want to spark joy in their lives
Join my Embodying Hope 1:1 embodiment coaching program, starting Feb 2025
with 50% discount and extended payment plan available.
plus bonus single coaching session
plus access to all current resources
plus more as they become available.
Book a free wake up call to learn more.
