This week was a bit of a disappointment.
I’m not starting at the gym until next week, because I got unexpectedly sick.
Frustrating! And as soon as I took off the pressure to get well soon, then my only task is to take care of myself, not to push and perform greater capacity than I currently have.
When I can do more, I will, with pleasure.
In the gathering of thoughts below, I go from recording my emerging thoughts around having the courage to stay with what is mine – my heart, my kitchen, my work – and the sources of those thoughts to, off the page, seeking one of the sources and getting distracted reading another article that left me feeling drained and inadequate.
Returning to myself I wonder about the difference between myself and the article author Kelly Diels – why is her excellent and verifiable advice not energizing for me?
Eventually I realise that I simply get to choose. And what is not for me now is not for me, now.
Found peace and calm right there.
I realised I could have saved myself a lot of grief when i (re)read the article subtitle:
How High-Capacity Experts Can Apply the Prolific Output Strategies That Created Two Cultural Icons
LOL. this is so not for me.
Celebrating being low capacity.
I’m a low capacity low capacity expert.
Lol.
I may become a high capacity low capacity expert, but i’m not there yet.
Thank you Kelly Diels for this uncomfortable mirror and the opportunity to name and claim my expertise.
Low capacity doesn’t mean you can’t have big dreams.
In fact you may need to dream more and bigger because the well trodden magic hero paths won’t work for you.
And you can find your own magic.
I’m here for that.
Scroll the next bit if you don’t want the blow by blow.
Kitchen courage
JKRowling writing from a cafe and the Savoy hotel. No cooking
And she writes that story. The traditional hero story.
Thinking of this because undecided if i want all my kitchen work done
I have time to reflect while I do the kitchen.
Does he ever consider – bla bla bla – yes he does.
I feel frustrated that he adds a dish to the drying rack without putting the other stuff away.
Puzzled – curious
So now i know that sometimes he puts stuff away.
Now i’m curious what triggers that
Are there patterns?
Not sure if i’m curious enough to follow up.
But maybe.
And now Kelly Diels is writing about the leadership skills in parenting
Which are acknowledged in military context – leaders eat last
And the other guy makes me cross about “nobody has these skills”
Active listening, emotional intelligence, desire to help people.
Women have these skills.
And then i’m bending spacetime flipping the hero’s journey so that there is courage also in staying home
“We can’t work or trade, but we can fight”
So there is something to return to.
Art and culture
What are we fighting for?
Otherwise it’s chaos.
Without a container.
I wish i had not read that.
I get the point.
Also what you’ve mastered is fuck you as fuel.
And that is the first capacity to build.
Transforming anger into creative output
That is the essential skill
For some of us
Chanelling outrage into something alive.
And having own back. Or radical belief in something
Life itself
Feel my fragility as a failure.
Who does she have around her?
Kelly Diels carried a big man with her for years.
Powerful belief in self
Creativity as a discipline.
There is something missing in me
Hunger
Self beflied
What is it
Yes, you’re right.
And that is beyond me
That is the belief
Remember her message is to solve a specific problem for a specific person.
And it’s not me.
So i can take what’s useful for me
I understand about just doing the thing.
I don’t have her guts or grit.
KD never discusses mental health.
Robust mental health. ADHD is a gift for that.
Physical health not so much.
I have fragile mental (health.)
No, that does not have to be the case
It’s not for me because it’s not for me.
It does not fire me up or light me up.
Therefore it’s not for me.
There is nothing wrong with me, or her or her ideas
Simply not for me.
At this time
Useful information which i am implementing as well as i am able.
(definitely not at global pop star level)
Urgh.
Now i’m lost
Time for tea.
Then bang this out.
I am where i am
And that is frustrating for everybody.
And i must stay with myself.
Must not abandon again.
No apologies.
I can do what i can do.
Kd offers ideas.
And they are good ones
And if they wilt me, i can let them go fo rnow.
Keep them at a distance.
Urgh
Those blazing firebrands.
Get back on track
What was i talking about?
Although i think that was the message.
Possibly a powerful one.
Then i read the article subtitle, and realised i could have saved myself a lot of grief.
How High-Capacity Experts Can Apply the Prolific Output Strategies That Created Two Cultural Icons
LOL. this is so not for me.
Celebrating being low capacity.
I’m a low capacity low capacity expert.
Lol.
I may become a high capacity low capacity expert, but i’m not there yet.
Thank you for KD for the uncomfortable mirror.
Boot strapping.
