Today i have my first calisthenics PT session.
Now I think the calisthenics is to help with mobility, strength and weight loss to make me a better dancer.
Even though i’m in my mid 50’s and that seems ridiculous on so many levels.
It wasn’t until after I committed to the gym program that I showed up for a first ballet class
I so do not belong in that room in my current form… < there’s a belief….
Tall, heavy bones, wayward hair, carrying menopause weight.
But getting over myself.
And yet,
I felt like a dancer.
just writing that truth brings tears to my eyes.
Is this what self care looks like, in a culture where many of us are powerfully conditioned, as older women, not to take that deep care?
I signed up for the gym program, feeling terrified.
Of the pain involved?
Of spending time and money on myself, my self care
Though all the science says that movement is critical for health, including mental health.
I have a lot to learn – and it’s taken a LOT to reach this point.
How did I get here?
I like to dance
I signed up for a dance app.
I do duolingo every day for more than a year, maybe dance could be the same
I lasted two weeks.
The gift is this has showed me what i am longing for.
I started thinking about looking for local adult dance classes.
What kind of dance am i interested in?
Ballet and belly as it turns out.
I found the classes.
And talked about it with one other person – who even offered to pay, because they thought it was a good idea.
No further action.
More recently, insta and facebook ads for military calisthenics caught my eye.
I went all the way through the process, then thought who am i kidding.
I’ve already tried this
Apps dont work for me for physical activity.
I’ve rarely been able to train alone.
So then i googled calisthenics in my local area.
Found a gym.
Thought about it
Too scary.
Don’t have time for this.
Nothing happened.
What triggered the further action?
I can see (in my work log/journal) that in the days following a sound immersion event hosted by a friend that coincided with the lunar eclipse, (even though, or especially because, during the immersion, i recall feeling critical and dissatisfied!)
I attended to a few outstanding matters including finalising my Tax return
and deciding to go ahead with the gym enrolment process – in firm belief that group training is helpful for me – it, it works, I show up and do the thing reliably. Long history of this.
I don’t remember the moment of resolve now, but my journal notes show what i was thinking and doing.
I also attended a Zumba party invited by another friend – felt energised, despite self.
And later that week, a further embodied dance session, where I learned that though i’m feeling dissatisfied, that can be enough – your face not looking happy, but your body looks happy.
Is this what self care looks like, in a culture where we are deeply conditioned not to take that deep care?
I signed up for the gym program, feeling terrified.
Of the pain involved?
Of spending time and money on myself, my self care
Though all the science says that movement is critical for health, including mental health.
Once this was locked in, then i finally signed up for a ballet taster class as well.
I so do not belong in that room in my current form… < there’s a belief….
Tall, heavy bones, old, wayward hair, carrying weight.
But getting over myself.
I felt like a dancer. < just writing that experiential truth brings tears to my eyes.
I have a lot to learn – and it’s taken a LOT to reach this point.
Getting to this decision point feels a bit like Like high altitude climbing.
To avoid/manage altitude sickness, which affects everybody differently, the advice is
Climb up, sleep down.
The decision process looked like:
Think about it.
Back off.
Research
Back off
Reflect, dream it
Time to move.
Feel the formless fear
Keep going
LOL, so the planets have literally needed to align for me to get where I am now.
The good thing is that planets align more often than you might imagine.
And of course, it’s not actually about the planets anyway.
It’s about you, and first of all daring to imagine that you could try doing something you’re thinking about – even and especially if it seems (more than) a little ridiculous.
Somewhere along the path, a still point of reflection and dreaming might be necessary to feel the thing also pulling you.
You’re not doing this alone
“What you seek is seeking you”
in Rumi’s immortal words.
LOL
And there’s the dance.
It takes care and courage to feel all this.
That tiny softening of affirmation.
That deep yes.
That’s the space I can hold for you.
In person, and in all my instant access resources.
