Hey sweet
ND Women are smart, sensitive, caring and kind. They are priceless, irreplaceable gems, richly hued, tinted and sparkling.
They are often deeply conditioned by externally imposed self limiting beliefs – that they are broken, in need of fixing, too much, not enough, awkward and embarrassing.
Which undermines their ability to establish flexible boundaries and protect their brilliance, leaving them vulnerable to heartbreaking exploitation, misuse and abuse, as well as keeping them constantly distracted putting out spot fires.
We have a lot to learn here from Blak, Black, Brown, Indigenous and Women of Colour, who are the OG Queens of holding boundaries and nurturing joy and connection in the face of centuries of combined systemic racism and misogyny.
The concept of self-care originates from US Black Women, who recognised the essential need for it in order to survive and thrive under intolerable conditions.
I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.”
You alone are enough. You have nothing to prove to anybody
Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option
there’s no such thing as a blank canvas, an empty land or a new idea – but everywhere there is complex, ancient, fertile ground full of potential
I often feel I am trapped inside someone else’s imagination, and I must engage my own imagination in order to break free.
“Your no makes the way for your yes. Boundaries create the container within which your yes is authentic. Being able to say no makes yes a choice.”
This falls under the realm of consent, of choosing – as much as we are wiliing and able – what we do, how, why and for whom.
Establishing boundaries is about managing external access to your time, energy, attention.
-
So that you can be willing to give time, energy and attention in the places you choose
Expanding limits is about managing internal constraints on what it’s ok for you to feel, do and desire
-
So you can do and access more of what you want, what thrills and energises you
(Based on Betty Martin’s Wheel of Consent, a powerful tool for understanding and experiencing the nuances of giving and receiving – very highly recommended free resource)
Where boundary things have shown up for me this week – most strongly in allowing my 15 year old to fly internationally unaccompanied. This has been hard mentally, and has taken up a lot of bandwidth managing my anxiety, which is not what I would choose for myself, but I am willing to do it for him to have the experience.
I did establish one strong boundary requiring another family member to meet him in transit so I did not have to worry unduly about that part of the trip.
He has now arrived safely at his destination, so I can relax somewhat and turn my attention back to my own work.
Limits have shown up this week in the form of following my desire to have amazing conversations with brilliant neurodivergent women as part of my invisible woman project research. It has taken me a long time to recognise that what I really want to hear about is their experience of prioritising child care over financial independence, and what they learned from that about themselves and their values.
I can absolutely confirm that these women are brilliant, sensitive, wise and gutsy for having taken that risk and learned from it about what is really important to them and what they are capable of.
I’ll be sharing some edited findings later this year, in the form of a podcast.
I’d love to speak with you, if you have been in that place of prioritising child care over financial independence at any time in your life and are keen to share something of your experience – limits, boundaries, delights, curiosity. The mother lode is surprisingly (or maybe not) deep and rich.
In other news, I have also gently edited my context setting story, now titled “When a woman dreams”
Because it is so important that we all allow time to imagine new ways to proceed, especially in those moments when everything seems overwhelming.
