This week I am getting comfortable-ish at the gym, and even at ballet.

Nearly 10 weeks in.   That’s how long it’s taken me to find equanimity.

And now, what more do I need?

The trainers at the gym are (unsurprisingly) super fit and flexible young men.

And at least superficially also sweet and encouraging.

They cheer me on “great work Rachael” and high fives at the end of every session.

Honestly, I habitually wonder whether they are taking the piss, sounding so surprised and enthusiastic that I am doing anything competently and with commitment, even at my low level.

But then I think about me encouraging my teenage son out of bed in the morning, cheering him into the shower, which is basic stuff for me, but seems to be a daily challenge for him.

The positivity is intended genuinely on my part, admittedly with a tiny tiny tinge of irony, in case my support provokes backlash, which has definitely been known to happen.   Hmmmm.

So I’m going to give the trainers the benefit of the doubt and allow myself to receive their enthusiasm with grace, rather than rejecting it as ironic.

Lord knows I need it.   Though I am definitely improving.   Slowly slowly.

It is delightful to receive that little acknowledgement and affirmation of my efforts.

Now that I am settled in to actively showing up and working out long term,

some other desires have started to surface.

LOL.   There’s always more.

My schedule is currently heavily skewed toward doing things, in the sense of I receive instructions and then physically do the thing to the best of my ability.   I am an active participant, being directed.

For me, there is a definite of satisfaction in this.   And a clear benefit.   I don’t have to think too much, I just do what i can.   And I signed up for these classes with that self knowledge in mind.   I wanted to move more, pushing my comfort zones, and from experience, I know this kind of container works for me – training with other people in a group.   Energy becomes available for me to complete the finite challenge.

One of the trainers was laughing the other day because “I can’t believe people pay me to make them suffer!”

It is a strange thing in some ways…

For me, collective, organised suffering is clearly preferable to individual, private suffering.

LOL.  can you tell I come from working class Catholic roots?

Anyway.

What I realised was missing in my schedule, (thanks to learning about four energy flows of pleasure through the Wheel of Consent) was passive receiving, accepting.   That is, simply asking for what I want and receiving it with minimal effort and action myself. 

It took me a while to admit to myself what I long for

Hands on bodywork.  

This awareness has been bubbling up for a while, like months, but it’s only now I feel in a position to acknowledge and act on it.

Likely, because of unconscious conditioning regarding delaying gratification and also doing the hard work first.    Both healthy disciplines, until the delay becomes forever, and the hard work is never done – which it won’t be, until either we choose a break or are broken by the work and waiting.

So i’ve decided the time is now.  I deserve it.   And it’s not even about deserving, really.

It’s simply necessary for me to continue to grow and thrive.

I cannot expand without this positive energy input.   

Going forward, I now understand that both the physical workouts and also the softening and receiving must become non-negotiables in my life.

To continue and grow in my service to others, I need these energy flows around and within me to give more to others.

Ie, This is what it is to fill my own cup.

It’s confronting for me.   Feels like indulgence to spend so much time and money on self care.   I like to imagine I am not high maintenance….

And at the same time, if I do not actively protect and access these energy sources, then i become depleted and actually disabled, and am forced to lean into receiving assistance.

Which is not a bad thing.  It’s a reminder.   

Limits are real.   Leaning into them is smart!

This post is simply a reminder to me – and you – that

we don’t have to wait until we are ill or beyond exhausted to be treated. 

Little treats!   Not only for the small and sick.

Breaking the unconscious coupling between depletion and treatment.

Same way I now schedule filling my car petrol tank each week, rather than waiting until it’s empty.

So now I’m scheduling massages and nervous system treatments for all year next year.

Seasonally.   Gentle adjustment at the portal of each season, massage for flow in the middle.

And starting off with one of each next week.

Yay!

Can you imagine what would fill you up so you can joyfully and creatively give more?

This is the heart of what we explore inside Beyond the to do list.