This week I’m tired and quite stiff and sore and generally sorry for myself.
Moving slowly, groaning … LOL
Following a conversation with a friend in community activism, a key question to consider for committing to engagement is “Is there still a hunger for change?”
Which made me wonder, at this time while I am feeling very low energy,
what am I hungry for?
With the awareness that it’s more than nutrition and sleep and movement, which I feel like I have covered at the moment.
There’s something else missing, that i couldn’t quite put my finger on.
I could make some guesses, but somehow those top down answers are not always satisfying or even convincing. They feel more like guesses, reasonable expectations than embodied personal insights.
Anyway, since this is in fact my area of expertise, i figured there must be some of my own advice I could take.
I was going to just write out answers to my three questions which reliably produce an actionable answer, but then I decided to be a little more generous and outsource the framing to my free audio guide so I could simply relax and respond.
The outcome was, as usual, both surprising and absolutely predictable in hindsight. Urgh. ie I knew it going in, but it was the actual experience of it that enabled it to land and feel liberating.
So the theme of the audio guide is “what do i need?”, which is at the heart of “what am I hungry for?”
The process involves settling into current experience, then writing briefly about two sides of that experience, then extracting what needs to shift.
It’s not complex.
And taking the time to be brief and honest articulates surprising truth that is hiding just below the surface of awareness.
Turns out I am over:
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struggling with needs.
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Second guessing
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Not trying things
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Doubting self
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Restricting my reach
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Denying my desires
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Trivialising, underrating, disrespecting my needs/desires.
What i would like more of:
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Feeling tired and acting anyway
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Getting the massage
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Giggling with glee
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Softening into this moment
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Stopping worrying
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Trust more
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Release tension sooner – before i forget why I’m even holding it.
So when I hold all of that, to notice what needs to shift
I want to breathe freely – feel the inhale, the holding, and the exhale, the letting go
Flow from one state to the next
> in the tidal movement of my breath i can hold tension dynamically
Feel the rhythm
Which looks like
Roll on the floor, soften my ribs (thanks Liz Page for this suggestion)
Which actually speaks to me of feeling humility > let go of pride!
For me, humility is feeling small and connected
As opposed to humiliation – which i suspect is the shadow of pride/hubris – feeling small and alone
> which I/we puff up hard to avoid ….
So the thing i am hungry for then is connection, and the softness and smallness that allows me to feel that connection
If i dare.
And I can see invitations for this popping up in my life.
Stop trying to do everything alone, myself, independently.
Notice where I’m being asked for help.
Be part of things, without having to take on the whole thing.
That’s another symptom i’ve noticed and wondered about
Tension in back of neck and shoulders
I can’t help but think of Atlas, carrying the world.
It’s too much.
Put it down
Do less
Be connected and human.
A work in progress.
And that itself is part of the connection.
The incompleteness keeps me connected to my life and its unfolding wonder, of all hues.
Let me know if you’d like a workbook to accompany the audio. It’s half made.
Your desire is the connection that would help me get it over the line.
Or not, if it’s not needed, if the guide is enough, that is also perfect.
