I’ve done my six weeks intro at the gym, and now committed to another twelve months.  I kind of wrestled with that decision.  But in actual fact, i think it was already made when I began.   I cannot see any short path here.   

I feel uneasy, committing so much time and energy to physical condition at my age, when I am definitely on the downhill slide.

But I get to choose where I resist collapse, even though it seems ultimately inevitable.

That ending is not yet now.  It is still in the indeterminate future.

So I persist.

I have also committed to a four month embodied dance practice community.

Again, this is active recovery and integration time for the gym work that continues to leaves me stiff and sore.

As well as leaning into transformation through a different discipline, where movement and expression is internally inspired, rather than externally directed.

It was the first session of the series, so Holly was explaining about the container, with strong encouragement to turn up at the appointed times, no matter what.   There is no right mood or attitude or energy level to bring.  There is simply however I am at the time.  That is the practice.   To show up, as I am.  And to allow that to be enough.

I am so grateful for the power of this container.  I have danced with Holly for many years now, and often I have been tired, anxious, tearful when I join.  And she welcomes me and my moods with open heart.

This time she shared a quote from one of her teachers (Buto I think)

“You are free to fail, the discipline is showing up”

For many of us, It’s hard to show up to fail.   To fall.

There is something here about the downward direction of failing.  Falling.

Which reminds me that at ballet this week I noticed how weak my feet are, how I struggle to lift my heels far from the floor.

I noticed that I try to lift myself from shoulders and even chin, pulling all of that up to try to help my feet.

Then I remembered that it feels different to press down into the ground, to actually trust Newton’s first law, that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.

That i could lean into gravity, instead of struggling against it.

I still have to remember to do this in class.   To press down to lift up.

For me, that is counterintuitive.   

I tend to just doing the thing.   Up up up – ok, i’ll lift as well as i am able.

Not well, versus gravity.

But if I press down, then the earth itself will lift me.

So that is a path to weightlessness.

My final indulgence this week, in some kind of celebration and acknowledgement of my gym commitment is to become a certified mermaid.

Mermaiding is about the aesthetics, and also about the discipline of breath holding, which is what drew my attention to the idea of freediving.

I am aware of unconscious breath-holding when trying to do a difficult thing.  Usually after the fact, or when it’s pointed out.

And I am one of those annoying people who often suggests – Remember to breathe!

Also inclined to say “don’t hold your breath” on waiting for an indeterminate outcome.

Seems to me breath holding is a shadow, a complement of breathing fully and freely.

So let’s lean into that and learn more about it.   

I’m particularly interested in sensing and activating my thoracic diaphragm, the major breathing muscle.

Also paying attention to the space between my mental limit and physical limit, and gently expanding my mental limit over time.

I understand that the one day certification course is the beginning of the journey.

That once the course is finished, my education, my actual learning and embodiment and growth will begin.

And I personally appreciate some embodied structure and guidance for embarking on adventures into the unknown, plus I enjoy making connections with other women following quirky paths.

Hence Friday I’ll spend a few hours at Kawana Aquatic Centre learning the basics.

Oh, and I’ll have a pretty video to share next week.   Keep an eye on socials.

As always, if there’s something here that inspires you to wonder about creating structure and context for  resistance, leaning in or immersion in your own life, I’m here to help.

Beyond the to do list starts with a zero obligation conversation about your rarely articulated aspirations and struggles.