This week at the gym handstand class, i was telling the trainer (early 30s, buff as, and demonstrates the hardest versions of everything) about how it’s all scary, and that although i can sometimes kick up, then i start thinking about it and get scared…
He said, gently, but completely deadpan “so I’m going to need you to kick up. I’ll help you”
Zero indulgence of fear there…
I got into position to kick up back to the wall again.
Even with him lifting, I pulled back down in fear.
Still there, head down, butt up, hands and feet on the floor, following this failure, I was unexpectedly overwhelmed with emotion.
There was a real moment when I could have collapsed and said no, i can’t do this.
And he’s standing there beside me, waiting, expecting me to kick.
So I let the emotion pass, regathered myself and kicked.
This time, with a big heave, we got my feet to the wall, and I could spend a dozen seconds building strength and balance.
He walked away to assist someone else.
The next day I’m in ballet class.
The fill in teacher is a young woman, early 20’s. All long lines, arms, legs, neck. Pure ballet body.
I had joked earlier in the class that I’m there to bring the average down, community service to make everybody else look better.
Same as in the gym class. I occupy the oldest and least capable body in the room.
We laughed.
Another exercise, she was wondering if she’d explained well enough, and i said “let’s give it a go.”
“I love your enthusiasm” whispered the woman beside me.
I’ll fail miserably anyway…
In the last part of the class, we were practising a tiny section from Swan Lake, all toes and wings.
The teacher explained that in the story this is the part where the princess Odette has discovered the prince is enchanted by the other woman and she is releasing him and going away to die and go to heaven (beautifully, tragically).
Then she blew my mind by suggesting that if there was something, some disappointment perhaps, that we ourselves wished to release from our own hearts, that this was a choreography that invited such expression.
The things I do not understand until I am in the room, doing the thing.
Today, here I am writing from the other side of both unexpected fear and release of expected failure. Subtly shifted. Growing, millimetre by millimetre.
More synchronicity, more serendipity in life.
This made me laugh. Who wishes for that???? But now i have discovered it showing up in my own life.
I attribute it to aligning a field around me. And I do that by focusing on my own work. Eyes on my own mat. Now i’m building energy flow, which is power, by doing more work on my body, the physical source. Which is illuminating more of my environment, and enoughness. I love the game, I am curious, and there is nowhere I’d rather be than in this body, here and now. Even when it hurts.
Coherence. Feeling for coherent actions, even though the words, the reasoning seem garbled.
But this is what it is to follow my heart. To wander, though not lost. To trust that it makes enough sense, and feels true enough, to those who see and need that permission. Especially me.
Time for a chicken sandwich.
The challenge of embodiment is to live it. Scary and rewarding. Makes not that much objective sense, and yet subjectively, feels true. It’s hard to trust that, and yet it is the trust that builds the trust.
Oh, that’s the other thing, ultimately, the only way to do the thing is to do the thing. All the preparation in the world is just that. Eventually, you have to show up.
For me, the best preparation has being becoming able to stay with myself and my feelings, regardless of what they are. I am enough. I am a match for this. I love it. Let’s do this and find out.
Thank you for reading and Let me know what resonates for you!
Also, Beyond the to do list is available to support you, when you’re ready to deal with extra curricular challenges.
