Empathy isn’t instant. It’s not a light switch we flick on when we see someone struggling. It’s a process—a slow unfolding of attention, patience, and perspective. Sometimes, we get there right away. Other times, we have to sit with discomfort, our own and others’, before understanding clicks into place. This is especially true when resistance shows up—not just as hesitation, but as a full-bodied, stubborn “I don wanna!”
Resistance can feel frustrating, both in ourselves and in those we care about. But what if it’s not a barrier to push through, but an invitation to pause? Beneath “I don wanna” often lives something deeper: fear of failure, fear of disappointing others, fear of getting left behind. And when we recognize that, we can meet resistance with curiosity and kindness instead of control. We can let it be a creative part of the process.
Curious Mind: Recognizing and Naming the Feelings
Instead of trying to push past resistance, try naming what’s underneath it. “I don wanna” might be masking “I don’t feel skilled enough” or “I’m scared I’ll let you down.” Cognitive empathy is about seeing and articulating these hidden emotions, making them tangible so they can be worked with instead of battled against.
Connected Heart: Being Open to Feelings
When someone in your life (or your own brain!) hits a wall of “nope,” respond with kindness. Emotional empathy means allowing feelings to be present without judgment or urgency to change them. A simple “That makes sense. Tell me more?” can shift the energy from opposition to connection, helping resistance feel seen instead of suppressed.
Creative Body: Taking Meaningful Action
Sometimes, the best way to move through resistance is to look for a real-world action that supports ease. Compassionate empathy asks: What small, doable step could reduce the difficulty here? Offering practical support, adjusting expectations, or just acknowledging “Hey, we don’t have to force this” can bring relief.
Sinking into AuDHD Success
gently guides you through resistance, helping you recognize what’s beneath it, stay open to the feelings that arise, and find accessible, meaningful actions.
This audio experience honors your natural rhythms, making success feel easeful and encouraging, not exhausting.
[✨ Learn more✨]
Spark up*
- Rest, reflect, rewire retreat all about immersing in and moving through this process of active empathy. A potent balm for your weary soul. Early bird pricing available now.
- AuDHD-friendly LOVE MOVES US Give yourself time and support to move through resistance and discover the deep planted desire within.
Moment to Notice ✨
Think of a time when you or someone else felt resistance—what emotions might have been hidden beneath the surface?
What happens when you simply recognize them (cognitive empathy),
allow them to be there (emotional empathy), and
look for a small action to soften the challenge (compassionate empathy)?
(I’d love to hear your thoughts—does this shift how you see resistance?
Hit reply and let me know!)
Encouragement for Sensitive Souls 💛
Not every piece of insight needs to be acted on.
It’s okay to read this and think, “Nope, not for me.”
Real, honest no’s make space for true, joyful yeses.
Empathy—toward yourself or others—doesn’t mean rushing to fix things.
It means staying open to what’s unfolding.
Keep wondering.
Keep listening.
And if today, all you’ve got is “I don wanna”—that’s welcome, too.
AuDHD-friendly affirmation for resistant women
Many women with AuDHD in their lives readily baulk at asks that do not feel respectful and aligned for them.
They are conditioned to push past that resistance and get on with the job as best they are able.
Which undermines our ability to respond sensitively and proactively to resource and skill differentials.
Remember you can choose to slow down and be curious about what is driving resistance
I trust you to find ways to enable a more equitable distribution of labour – where you, and others, can do less and more.
Sinking into AuDHD-friendly success guides you to tune into this redistribution of effort and attention, so you can enjoy more of what feels right for you, now.
Case Notes on resolving resistance through empathy
I cant keep up with you. I’m not good enough. I need help/support.
Meeting with a client / friend this afternoon.
Talking about a joint project.
She was experiencing a lot of resistance.
I’m bored. It’s too hard. I don wanna. Urgh.
Because i have framed this project up as cannot fail, it’s all about learning and growing (URGH)
I am delighted to have this resistance show up.
Hmmmm recognising that by taking the lead and being ahead and doing all the things i put myself in a power position. HMMMMM
So, i am delighted for this resistance to show up.
And to have time for that built into the process.
I am able to greet the resistance openly.
Resistance is not a problem, it’s an invitation.
Like actually, i’m doing this in real time. Impressive.
Waking up is rarely comfortable….
So we sit with the resistance.
Underneath is don’t want to mess up for two of us.
I’d rather be impossible, and maybe sick now, so that there is no risk.
I can handle failing myself, but it’s too much if we both fail because of me.
Too painful to have that desire – to be able, and to be helpful – doubly disappointed
Ok. all of that is welcome and completely understandable. Relatable.
I want to reassure you that I am not expecting you to do anything you can’t do.
You are not derailing anything
The whole undertaking is an experiment, an exploration into new territory.
There is no failure, because whatever happens we will learn something.
We will unearth the resistance to doing the things that are necessary.
And every one of those is a win. One step closer. One monster down.
Also, i am happy to go ahead with my plan.
My real work is elsewhere – i need to increase my audience.
But for now i am practising speaking, building reliable communication systems.
Which i am committed to doing, pitching the retreat, regardless of not having enough people to speak to.
So not relying on you to bring anything more than your skills and experience.
To the event, if that’s all you can manage.
It’s possible i am doing too much? Overachieving?
Carrying it all on my own?
Offputting?
Not offputting, but daunting.
Hmmmmm
I can’t keep up. Not doing my bit.
Hadn’t thought of it as you doing too much,
Defaulted to me not doing/being enough.
Reframe right there.
Ok, so i think what i need to ask for is some support with showing up on my side
Yes, i can help with that.
That feels good for both of us.
Recognition that sometimes resistance is feeling of being left behind.
And i don’t care.
Because it hurts too much to acknowledge that i feel unskilled and unmotivated – in this particular context.
Where in other contexts, the opposite is true.
Disengage when lost contact > hopeless/helpless.
So here’s the three kinds of empathy in action
Cognitive – recognising and naming the feelings – resistance
Emotional – being open to the feelings of others, not making them wrong, or skipping over them.
Compassionate – being in active relationship with the feelings of others, seeking to mitigate, alleviate their causes.
Collaboration begins with empathy
other posts in this seasonal series.
Envy, merit & the myth of earning worth – competition can create artificial isolation
Feeling with, not fixing – sitting in companionable uncertainty creates space for connection
I don wanna (and other hidden invitations) – welcoming resistance allows energy shift and equitable redistribution
Shame is the lie. Let’s act like it.
– refusing the lie of shame and failure makes something challenging possible.
Also, my about page
Where i try to explain where I’m coming from with this collective, collaborative idea.
